A list of 50 things to do with 50 Shades of Grey

I’m honored to be asked to review books for Otakus and Geeks but a horrifying thought did occur to me. What if I’m asked to review a book just because it’s popular? What if I get asked to read 50 Shades!? Inspired about the possibility, I have compiled (with help from friends) a list of things I’d rather do with the book than read it.

Yes, this is meant to be funny. XD

  1. Use pages to pick up dog scat
  2. Door jam
  3. Coaster
  4. Shred paper to line pet cages
  5. Straight edge
  6. Practice target for BB guns
  7. Chew toy for goats
  8. Cutting board
  9. Paper weight
  10. Nail it to the door to repel proselytisers.
  11. Emergency Hard Hat
  12. Emergency toilet paper
  13. Material for papier mache to construct model starship
  14. Pillow for naps on a crab boat
  15. Weapon of death in the Hunger Games
  16. Make paper cranes… fuckton of paper cranes
  17. Bonfire to save on heating costs
  18. Compost
  19. Fly Swatter/Bug smusher
  20. Dust bin to go with your broom
  21. Hammer
  22. Poorly constructed frizbee
  23. Cut out the pages to make a book safe
  24. Use as bookends to hold up other books
  25. Attach to a chain for use as Melee weapon for Zombie Apocalypse
  26. Buff out scratches on car
  27. Pages can be balled up and used as insulation for The Day After Tomorrow
  28. Potions ingredients
  29. Padding for worn out insoles in old shoes
  30. Paste the cover on a video game box as a joke
  31. Emergency grappling hook for repelling off the roof
  32. A pestle for your mortar
  33. Raised mousepad
  34. Gavel
  35. Soaking up small spills
  36. Meat tenderizer
  37. Pressing flowers
  38. Nutcracker
  39. Blend in to milkshake for extra fiber
  40. Put inside the doors of your car to make a quick and easy armored car (thank you Burn Notice and Mythbusters)
  41. Cheese plate
  42. Stepping stones in your grass
  43. Cooling rack for cookies
  44. Quick and dirty way to embarrass your kids by reading it as you wait to pick them up in front of school (next time, pick up your socks)
  45. Use it to drag the remote closer when you drop it
  46. Make collages
  47. Make Japanese lanterns
  48. Paint pallete (make up works, too)
  49. Play Hot Potato
  50. Put it next to your thesaurus as a warning

Fifty Shades of Envy

With all the furvor over Fifty Shades of Grey; the Twilight fanfic which has morphed in to it’s own franchise, I went through all the basic emotions of your average unknown indie author.

1. “Aww, that’s nice for the author! Lucky devil”

2. “Wait… It’s based on what now?”

3. (enough cursing to make even George Carlin blush)

I was so very tempted to alter the path my own series will take in order to sink to the lowest common denominator, which seems to be an asshole main guy and a brainless main girl who screw for reasons unknown because neither are attractive to the reader so how they are attracted to each other is a mystery. But I refuse. I’d planned for my series to get more sexual at it’s own pace in ways that make sense and don’t leave the reader wanting to hurl and throw the book across the room.

Am I jealous? Hellz yeah, I am! The author is laughing all the way to the bank. And more power to her. But I’m not changing how I write in order to sell books. It’s not why I write, its not how my characters demand to be written. I may never get a movie deal, I may never sell more than 50 books a month, I may never get a stranger running up to me to proclaim how much they have loved my book but I refuse to sell my writing soul in the hopes of achieving literary success. Because then what real achievement is there?

I’m not completely hating on the books; there are plenty of other people to do that. XD I wish the author all the success in the world (wish granted, it seems) but I have no intention of reading these books; so I won’t trash em. When something is touted as “mommy porn” or “Twilight for moms” I run in the other direction. *shudder* So if you’ve read it and liked it, bully for you.