I’ve posted about forgiveness before but a lot has happened since then and I’ve had a recent update.
As things progress on the processing of my Ma’s will, the lawyer who wrote it was finally found. Turns out the way it was worded did NOT mean Ma thought was some sort of an empty headed ninny who could be manipulated by her husband into leaving her child homeless. It was meant to go into a trust to protect me in case of divorce.
To be fair, the will was drafted during a time when me and my husband were having MAJOR problems and divorce was very likely. Since then, we have grown so much as a couple and as individuals that our marriage is much stronger. Part of this had to do with Ma’s sickness and eventual death. We really had to support each other during that time. Mainly, it was about growing the hell up. For the both of us.
Knowing this was such a weight off my shoulders. Ma saw what a good man my husband became and always knew her daughter had a good head on her shoulders. (“Sane,” no. “Good,” yes.) But life happens and she wanted a fail-safe to protect her daughter. So, for that I forgive her. I let go of my anger and move on towards healing.
If it’s one thing women are supposed to be able to do insanely well, it’s hold a grudge. Hell hath no fury and all that crap (I have more respect for the classics than I let on, just bear with me here). But forgiveness is another matter.
This is on my brain because sometimes I really sit back and remember all the really stupid things I’ve done over the course of my life. I try pretty darn hard not to do things deliberately to hurt people so if I do, I feel absolutely HORRIBLE about it. I don’t mean: “Yesterday, I stepped on someone’s foot and neglected to say sorry.” I mean “I did something silly like mention my husband’s double cheeseburger habit to a family of Orthodox Jewish friends YEARS ago and when it pops up in my head, I am nearly in tears with guilt.” Ridiculous, right? I should have forgiven myself when those people in question quite frankly didn’t give a shit what other people ate but to this day, I have a twinge of guilt.
Right now, I’m working on a part in Greenhouse where the reader will probably have a devil of a time forgiving Auris for what he’s allowed to happen; so getting Darjeeling to forgive him in a believable way will be difficult. With the nature of forgiveness on my creative mind, it stands to reason it would flood into the rest of it, as well. I’ve hurt a girl, I’ve been the hurt girl. In both cases, those are tears I will never forget. In the former remembering those tears is like a knife to the heart. In the latter, I want a knife in my hand. T_T Neither of these people are going to leave my life, so what do I do? This is made especially difficult since I have issues dealing with my own feelings in a healthy matter overall. Mama taught her little Lenni that life’s too short for feelings. You pick your shit up, keep working, and keep going because tears don’t pay the damn bills. You cry when you have time. Great for keeping lights on, backs clothed, and bellies full. Not so great in the “Now let’s write about feelings” department.
This is one of those self help deals that takes a long time to work through and there is no way in hell I am holding off on writing the story to wrap my head around this (just after breaking though my block? Are you kidding me?!) so any advice would be appreciated. @_@
(and I had pasta salad for lunch today!! XD)