Finally Watched It

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Finally Watched It: “Jurassic World”

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Well… This movie happened.

I had so many issues trying to get into this movie because there were so many failures in logic, I was grumbling under my breath for most of the running time.

  • People don’t seem to get bored going to regular zoos, I take issue with the public at large getting bored with fucking dinosaurs.
  • Why can’t a man and a woman have a working relationship – even a cantankerous one – without a romantic subplot? You could have cut that out all together and it would have been fine.
  • Why is it a thing in moves to ignore the expert when said expert was called in for help in the first place? His/her answer may not be the one you want but it is what you called them in to do!!!
  • Weaponizing dinosaurs is stupid. Aside for the fact there are plenty of existing animals that can be used for this purpose; wouldn’t it just be cheaper to do so? This side plot could have been cut. Morons who cannot and should not be in charge of a theme park is bad enough. You don’t have to bring in Evil Military Trope Man into the mess.
  • How do you not evacuate the park immediately? Is this in a universe where terrorism doesn’t exist and there is no sense of urgency to protect the public? We live in a reality where a city block radius is cleared for a suspicious package. You can’t get away with this kind of oversight in a movie anymore.
  • And speaking of which, there’s no evacuation plan?! What if it’s something simple like a hurricane is coming? How do you not have a solid evacuation plan in a place filled with man eating animals on an island!!? Regular island resorts and parks have plans for this without the added risk of being eaten by one of the attractions.

The bad-ass fight at the end it was saved this movie. If you cut out all the drama and massive failures in management I would have enjoyed it more but WOW! Very awesome.

I’d be ok with not making another one, though…

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Finally Watched It: “Seven Samurai” (1954)

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After watching Magnificent Seven, of course I was going to go back and watch the movie it was based on. Not to mention my Ma, gods rest her, LOVED Toshirô Mifune an Akira Kurosawa; so it’s way passed time I checked this movie off my list.

I tried not to compare it too much but there were some obvious differences. This movie is longer, the town has more trouble finding help, the villagers are more desperate and therefore more likely to be less perfect and innocent, the samurai themselves aren’t so noble, and the battle itself goes on for days. Overall, it’s less polished, making it feel more realistic despite some of the really hammy way people died.

The 1960 movie had this Hollywood feeling to it; like it knew it was a movie so it was more of an adventure. This movie seemed much more depressing to me. War is awful and killing sucks, the end. More people die and it ends on this low, regretful note. I don’t see this as a bad thing at all but I needed some humor after this to lift my spirits.

Also to note, Kyuzo is every badass samurai manga character rolled into one awesome package. If we could get some movies about him, I would watch it in a heartbeat.

Overall, I can see why I didn’t want to sit and watch this as a kid with Ma (although I regret that now) because I think a kid would get bored or not get a lot of what the characters are talking about. But now? Now, it is a beautiful example of movie making done right. Absolutely stellar.

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Finally Watched It: “Cube Zero”

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Where the last one has this intelligence to it, this one went from cerebral to gore fest right away. I know it’s a prequel but it was not as fun as the first two. I got a heavy “we’re all in the matrix” vibe or like with the Umbrella Corporation where everyone works for them whether they know it or not. The way this movie tied into the first was smart (no gonna spoil it) but on the whole, it leaves much to be desired. And it certainty had a lot to live up to considering how much I liked the first two.

Usually it’s the third movie where a series needs to stop and this is no exception. I wasn’t as entertained or thrilled as the previous ones and I’m glad they stopped here.

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Finally Watched It: “Cube 2: Hypercube”

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With this movie, we get some behind the scenes setup on the cube. We’re still not given a legit reason for this thing to exist or why people are put in there but this time, the cube has the added hurdle of quantum teleportation.

It The Matrix and Saw had a baby that was smarter and more sadistic than either one, it would be this movie. Or maybe Matrix, Saw, a particularly dark episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Rick and Morty. The same dark and hopeless tone carries through to this movie from the original but I did feel a little let down by the typical ‘hidden evil government’ thing. I dunno why I was expecting more but I think it’s because I see it so often. I was intrigued, entertained, and amused by how poorly the effects aged. I will admit I giggled. But yup! I’ll be watching the next one!

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Finally Watched It: Cube

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A group of people wake up in a prison with no memory of how they got there. Each new room they enter reveals horrible traps and they try to figure out the mystery of why there are there and how they can escape.

This movie struck me as a nerdy version of Saw; focusing more on strategy and math as opposed to outright gore. The way this movie is constructed with minimal music and believable actors make it more tense to me than the Saw franchise or most horror movies I see these days, honestly. I totally understand why this became a cult classic. It was smart, eerie, and bleak. I wish more horror movies took the time to really get inside people’s heads like this movie does. I’m glad I watched it and I have the sequels ready to go!

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Finally Watched It: “Magnificent Seven” (1960)

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With the remake coming out, I figured I would kill two birds with one stone by knocking one movie off my list and prepping for the new movie.

Overall, this is a great movie. I can see why it’s one of the classics. I got into the story right away, I laughed at some of the old tropes, the acting and writing were on point and, let’s face it; I’d watch Yul Brynner read the phone book. And some of these one liners? In reaction to getting skimmed by a bullet:”You elected?” “No, I got nominated real good.” Fucking badASS!

Now that I’ve enjoyed this one so much – which was shocking to me because I don’t like westerns – I am concerned about the remake. Obviously the original cast was lily white and the remake changes this up. Will the new one be more realistic for the time period in terms race relations or will it go the Django Unchained route where it’s comically over the top in its racism? I hope it’s handled with a certain amount of grace. We’ll have to see.

Anyway, I’m glad I watched this movie and I will also be watching Seven Samurai (the film this movie was based on) very soon and I have a special place in my heart for that one. It was one of my mom’s favorite movies. I will try not to compare the two too much.

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Finally Watched It: Over The Garden Wall Episode 2: “Hard Times at the Huskin’ Bee”

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A bluebird named Beatrice offers to guide Wirt and Greg to Adelaide of the Pasture (the good woman of the woods) and help them get home.

Again, I gotta comment on how frikkin’ beautiful this cartoon is. Greg seems to have the potential to be that annoying kind of derpy and Beatrice is awesome. As far as plot, this one is creepier than the last one. Those effing pumpkins are a town full of NOPE. It’s a little dark for young kids but for a warped person like me, I chuckled at several points. It is a fun show and I look forward to more!

Also, it’s really amazing shows like this can pack more feeling and fun into 11 minutes than some 3 hour movies. I’ve said that before and I’ll likely say it again because facts are facts.

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Finally Watched It: Batman: The Killing Joke

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Based on the graphic novel of the same name, this feature was touted mainly for its R rating.

And I don’t think that rating was even earned. To me, this is PG-13 level curses here. And the very random sex scene wasn’t even graphic!

First off, I was not impressed with the animation quality. It was fairly standard. With all those other DC animated movies out there, I expected better.

Secondly, this isn’t so much “Batman: The Killing Joke” as it is “Batgirl: Batman: The Killing Joke.” I do NOT understand why the first half an hour or so of this exists because it would have been overall better to cut the whole damn thing.

Thirdly, this is the most sexist portrayal of Batgirl I’ve seen. According to the movie, she’s been at the vigilante scene for three years, right? Three years and she still feels the need to whine to Batman that she needs to prove herself? She still gets triggered by some random trash talk a lowly mobster throws at her? He asks”Where’s your boyfriend?” so she can squawk “He’s not my boyfriend!”, he makes jokes that she’s on her period, they write her so she gets mad when he calls her cute… This isn’t Batgirl. She’s every lazy female and sidekick stereotype poured into a batsuit. I was screaming at the screen and rolling my eyes.

Fourthly? You snagged the “swear to me” line? *sigh

And lastly, the back story of why those freaks in the carnival were working with the Joker would have been a bajillion times more interesting than this Bats in the City nonsense that filled the first half hour. They even gave Barbara a pet gay best friend; which was a trope I thought we had thankfully grown out of.

If you skip all the Batgirl stuff, it wasn’t bad, it was just ok. Mark Hamil and Kevin Conroy are of course as excellent as always and the adaptation of what was actually IN THE GRAPHIC NOVEL was entertaining. But by the time they got to the story in the book, I was so pissed, I found it hard to enjoy the rest.

Next time? Stick to the book, guys.

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Finally Watched It: “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”

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Three decades after the defeat of the Galactic Empire, a new threat arises. The First Order attempts to rule the galaxy and only a ragtag group of heroes can stop them, along with the help of the Resistance.

I am SO sick of the slackjawed expressions I get when I say I haven’t seen this movie so here it is. At just 15 minutes in, I already get the sense that in rebooting this series, this movie mirrors Luke’s journey but kicks off it’s training wheels. All the effects are really well done, Fin and Ray are funny and yes, this is a fun time. I find it hearkens back to the wonder and coolness of watching the original movies for the first time as a kid but I can appreciate more things as an adult.

As a total aside, I don’t get why the Ghostbusters reboot got so much hate but this one didn’t. I had fun watching both… But that’s a gripe for another time.

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Finally Watched It: Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.

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Electra Woman and Dyna Girl are super-heroines with no powers in their home town but are offered the chance to be represented like the more famous superheroes in their world. Since all the super-villains are gone; defeated in The Shadow Wars, heroes are basically famous spokes people. While their newfound fame goes to Electra Woman’s head and drives a rift between the pair, a mysterious new villain appears on the scene.

Ok this movie isn’t terrible. I will admit around the 4 minute mark, I really hoped the internet and pop-culture references would stop (it was WAAAYY to much of the dialog). 10-15 minutes in, I felt like I was watching two close friends talk and making all these inside jokes I know are supposed to be funny but I wasn’t there so I’m not in on the gag.

As far as Grace Helbig and Hannah Hart, they aren’t bad actors, they work ok off of each other as the awkward ditz and snarky inventor. The other heroes are creative and the costumes are cool but there’s something… Flat about this movie. It felt like a checklist was being ticked off behind the scenes. Overall, this is a harmless, quirky, internet movie. Nothing super fantastic but also I wasn’t suffering watching it. Good effort but I sensed some unused potential.

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