While I was on bereavement leave from work, I sorta took leave from everything else as well. I mean, I cleaned, I wrote, I typed, but I needed alone time to process everything and get the ball rolling on all the legal crap that needs doing. Shit, being an adult sucks sometimes. :p
Please believe me when I say, in all honesty, I am doing ok. In fact, I dare say ‘fine.’ Ma was sick for a long time and now she is with her mother and her mother before her in peace.
The most harrowing part of this was having to deal with my family. I love them but I felt I was being babysat. I am not spun glass, I can take care of myself. I am the type who recharges with time alone and having them looking at me waiting for me to say something/cry/scream or what have you was making me manic. I love them, thanked them, then flat out BEGGED to be allowed to process the death of my mother in peace.
While I was home alone, I did a lot of reading and typing. I have a typed rough draft of Grey City ready for editing. 🙂
For those who may not follow my Twitter feed, Ma passed on August 2; about 6 in the morning. She was 66 years old.
As most LJ users or people who have migrated here from LJ know, LiveJournal was hit with a DDoS attack. This happens a bit too frequently for me so I am backing up all my entries here and will be posting in both places till I get annoyed with that and drop one of them. :p
As you all may NOT know (unless you slavishly follow my Twitter feed) I have finished the rough draft of Gods in the Grey City, which I will get to work on typing as fast as possible.
In other news, as of Monday, Ma is officially on hospice care. 😦 There’s no telling how long till… Well, TILL. It’s the same hospice my Granny used so I expected them to be very nice to me. So far, I have not been disappointed.
Understandably (I hope) you can understand all the delay with my writing these days.
It’s no excuse for laziness, however. So, I better get to work.
I’ve been through all this before but still, it’s draining.
I spoke to my Mother’s doctor on Tuesday and he says what boils down to "She’s getting worse. I will be conferring with her oncologist as to continuing her treatment and the hospital will take care of any hospice arrangements." This sinks in for a couple days and after going to my Mother on Thursday evening and telling her she has a choice of chemo or waiting to die because there’s no chance of her getting better, the doctor comes and tells her she’ll be going home in a couple days with a home health aide. The difference being a home health aide isn’t waiting for you to die.
So in the last week I’ve been intimately equated with why the phrase "roller-coaster of emotions" is a cliche. It fits. Holly hell, man. I am tired inside and out. When I sleep, I don’t dream (that I can remember) and at my best moments, I’m able to eat. But I put one foot in front of the other, keep working and keep writing.
Since things change every day (Hour? Minute?), I’m hesitant to even say she’s recovering from the shingles so she’ll be coming home "in a few days" with an aide. Honestly? I have not been reading anyone’s journals or stories or anything (even though I’ve really wanted to). I’m taking it one day at a time.
Oh look, another cliche! Urrgghhh.. >_<
But I’m still writing and working to get my Zazzle shop filled with things and infect Amazon with my madness. :p I’m muddling through. That’s the best way I can put it. I’ll do my best to be involved but if my eyes glaze over, cut me some slack. 😉
Ma went back into the hospital on Friday night. I’m of the (correct) assumption there is going to be a lot of this in and out with hospitals which is why I didn’t furiously post about how much I was freaking out on Friday. While Mom is still in the hospital, she is in there because they will (rightly) not release her till the shingles rash has healed. She’s also getting a CAT scan on her lungs to see how the tumors are progressing. The nurses are being SUPER awesome and keeping me in the loop. I need to get them candy. XD
On the subject of money, I have decided I am going to close my Etsy store. Not right NOW but in the future when I own website has more traffic (meaning I can update it regularly). I’m working on having my own storefront of stories to sell, which will take time, but that got me thinking: If I’m going to have a storefront to sell my stories, why can’t I sell my needlework there, too!? I’m already paying for a domain and hosting so there’s no sense in me paying Etsy fees on top of that and making the CEO of Etsy rich while I don’t sell a thing. It would also give me the option of listing needlework when I darn well please and not have to worry about my shop standing empty or items expiring. I’ll still shop at Etsy because I believe it’s important to support handmade and indie artists and authors but I think I’d save money selling on my own.
Like I said, I don’t plan on doing this anytime soon. I have plenty of items there to keep the store presentable and there’s a bunch of legal stuff I have to do to close the Etsy store and set up my own site as a real business so I can pay my taxes and all that good stuff. I am WAY too cute to go to jail for tax evasion. 0.0 But I think this would be MUCH more cost effective for me and allow me to focus on my writing with less guilt about ignoring the 50 other hobbies I have. XD
I’ll be making this transition very slowly as I need to concentrate on getting as many short stories up to sell as possible. Think I can join the Million Club? I sure as hell am gonna try. XD One crazyassed story at a time. 😉
This Sunday was spent helping my husband clean out the garage. =_= I am sore but not as sore as I thought I would be hauling totes of collectables up and down stairs.
The really cool thing was seeing all of my Granny’s old jewelry and nick-knacks. I remember playing with them when I was a child. Some of them even still smell like her! Part of me never wanted to part with any of the stuff I was rooting through, including my old stuffed animals and toys. Remember Hess trucks? I have one. U-Haul truck? got that, too. Small army of stuffed bunnies? Do I EVER! 😀 But then the darker part of me thinks "I could make a small fortune on Ebay on all this vintage jewelry…"
A lot of it I will NOT be selling. This is my Granny’s stuff. Off limits. My stuff however; and Ma’s collectibles, those are fair game.
I am frightened, FRIGHTENED, by the sheer volume of Xena and Star Trek merchandise my Ma managed to amass over the years. I’ve got the green light to unload the Xena stuff but I’m holding off on the Star Trek stuff. Ma has the complete set of dolls still unopened in the boxes. I’m waiting till we have the choice of either sell those or lose the house.
In health news, I haven’t lost anymore weight but Ma is not doing much better. Granted, she’s moving around the house and driving ok, but she’s still not able to do things like NOT lay in bed all day. She HATES it. I use that word with complete impunity here – hate with a capital ATE. I know how that feels when I’m laid up with a cold or a sprained ankle so I can’t imagine how it must feel when there is no end in sight to your sickness and you go from doing whatever you want to virtually bed ridden in a matter of weeks. It sucks.
So far, there has been no change or new reports from the doctors. Ma is back on her chemo and walking around with an oxygen tank but she’s more mobile than a couple weeks ago.
As for me? I need to get my shit together. I need to get driving and get as self-sufficient as possible so I can take care of Mom the way she took care of Granny. I know I must have told myself this a bajillion times but I still keep letting Ma do what she wants but she’s not able anymore. She needs rest.
I haven’t heard back from the editor on my story yet. I’ve already emailed her the changes twice and that’s more than enough. I don’t want to get annoying. ._.
I think that’s everything… *ponders* Eh, if I forgot something, you’ll just have to get another update from me. So there. 😉
Today was not easy. I went with Mom to the pulmonologist and he decreed her eligible for the oxygen machine… That we already had delivered. 9_9 And because Mom had the doctor’s appointment, she didn’t take her shingles meds in the morning, leaving her in pain. I dunno which would have been worse: nausea and dizziness from the meds (I would have driven the car) or the pain? But hey, she made the call, for better or worse.
We have a follow-up with him in two weeks.
But getting home was a nightmare. I could see tears in her eyes from the pain. It was just unreal… By the time I got her home, medicated, and laying down, I was in tears myself. It took the rest of the day for me to just calm down and try and get some work done. It really is the shingles messing with her. When Mom takes the medication, she’s… Is "fine" really the word to use for slightly less excruciating nerve pain?
On the plus side, I got a positive response to my query! I’m making the changes the editor asked for and will resubmit the short story to her by Friday.
Tomorrow is not only my daughter’s birthday, but also the Summer Solstice. 🙂 I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do anything fancy but I did leave out an apple as an offering today. Better to strike while the iron is hot, right? I did spot a statue that would be perfect for an outside altar (till I can afford the one I really want) but I will be totally honest, I do NOT have my head together to plan much beyond "Edit story. Child needs birthday cake." So you’ll have to forgive the lack of interaction from me. If you can, I’m sure the gods will.
I do feel my duty as a daughter could have been done better. I really froze. I need to be slightly less of a complete spaz and get my shit together. >_< Mom needs my help and since I never would have made it this car without her, she deserves my best.