I am a little ashamed to admit it but, I had completely forgot I set up a Patreon. Nobody ever donated and I am financially in a place where every penny is pinched so I can’t donate to anyone else. But I get an email the other day and I got my first patron!!!
A big, heartfelt thank you goes out to Natalie C., who has honestly been a fan of my work for some time. You are so awesome, Natalie! And I can’t thank you enough for putting me one step closer to my dream. It’s just what I needed as I’ve bene feeling a little down about my creative endeavors lately.
Thanks to that pick me up, I am gearing up for NYCC and I’m excited to see some awesome programs as well as cosplay with the kiddo Saturday and Sunday. Don’t worry, I will take plenty of pictures.
Again, more super gushy thanks and I hope this is a portent of more awesome things to come!
I spent my weekend watching awesome movies and one of the movies I watched was Reaching for the Moon. It was a beautiful movie but the poet; Elizabeth Bishop (played by Miranda Otto) has a drinking problem. I see a lot of that in movies and it really got me wondering what is it about writers (or creative types in general) that lends itself to substance abuse. This article from The Guardian talks about how prevalent this is and us creative types seem to really have issues with trying to drown our demons.
So, what is it about the creative process that drives us to drugs and alcohol? Personally, I don’t have issues with drinking (I’ve often said I’m too cheap to be an alcoholic or drug addict… That shit COSTS!) but man, the creative juices flow easier when the wine flows with it. Is there so much going on in our heads that to calm it down, we use (or abuse) drugs or alcohol? Are there so many people, places, and plot lines all slamming against the day to day bullshit we have to slog through to keep the lights on and the roof patched that to just free the muse and get him/her to focus, you have to ply inspiration with a shot of bourbon? Is non-creative life so abysmal to us that a line of cocaine is the only way to push it completely out of the way to let us work?
Its an odd thing to afflict so many of us; and the best of us at that. What is haunting us? What’s haunting you?
I’m a worrier. It drives my husband batshit crazy because I will mentally review a problem till I am in a full on panic, (like in this video) brainstorming solutions till you can SEE my brain smoking from a good distance away. And while I am in this m0de, I am complete shit creatively. I couldn’t write a decent piece of fiction if you put a gun to my head.
So, I didn’t.
If I can’t be at my best in terms of writing, I stay away from it. It’s just not worth dragging out horrid prose only to have to completely re-write the thing later.
This is not to say I’ve been idle. I’ve unloaded a bunch of soul crushing bile into my written journal and also finished up another book review for Otakus and Geeks. I have another on deck for this book (which I’m almost finished with).
Don’t think of me as on a hiatus. Think of me as healing from panic. 🙂
Maybe because it was 11/11/11 but yesterday, I felt PUMPED! I cleared up all the work left over from my vacation, had Drawing Club with the kiddles, and drove at night without killing anyone. It was a good day. 🙂 I made good headway on a sketch of Auris and Darjeeling (characters from my book for you newbies to my site) and with a short story I’m working on for an anthology. My muse is high on life and doesn’t wanna come down. XD
Lately, I’ve been reconsidering all these anthologies and erotica contests I’ve been writing for. Capitalizing on all the good vibes I seem to be filled with, I’ve been making the moves to try and be as prolific as I possibly can. XD Plot and plan, plan and plot… GODS, it feels good.
In other news; aka: The Continuing Saga Of Me Seeing Movies After Everybody Else Has Seen Them Because I’m A Cheap Bastard Who Waits For The DVD From The Library (longest title ever? Maybe…) I finally saw Thor and Green Lantern. Both good movies, shiny and loud in all the right places. Nothing I can really complain about as a comic fan but keep in mind, I’m an X-Men gal. Those were the main super hero comics I read so if there are discrepancies between Thor the comic and Thor the movie, I have no idea.
I have also seen X-Men First Class. Although I liked it, and I understand the timeline here, I still have this emptiness left by a decent movie version of my top three favorite X-Men: Rogue, Gambit, and Storm. I don’t think I’ll ever be completely happy in that area though. :p
My weekend of fun was indeed much fun but not so much in the way of work really got done. XD Me and my friend had out own private wine tasting in our awesome room. While we enjoyed some of the fine (and not so fine) wines that Long Island has to offer, we ate cheese and Triscuts, she watched the last season of True Blood and I did more wine enjoying that writing. I even have a very proud wine stain on the page where I believe I completed an entire sentence. :p
This is also the first time I’ve really been near entire episodes of True Blood. It was season two and I really have to wonder when they have time to shove in a plot between all the sex they were having! I overheard more sex in those few episodes than I really believe I’ve had in my entire life. Ever. One MUST believe a vagina just gets tired, ya know?
Anyway, I returned home to the same child who didn’t miss me at all and frankly barely cared I was gone. 9_9 So, I was easily able to make up a page or so after I got back since she wanted nothing to do with me. I have been told this is a phase but still, hearing her say "I don’t like you. Go away! I don’t want you!" is very much akin to being stabbed in the heart. I did warn her that she shouldn’t say such things to her mother so close to her birthday but toddler rage is swift and absolute.
The worst thing about trying to fit my creativity in around what little time I have with my daughter was having to hear that she hates my writing. You may be surprised at how profound a near three year old can be. She hates my writing because she rather me spend time with her. The flip side is how she does treat me when she has all my attention (see above paragraph). Now, I would love, love, LOVE to involve her with my writing or just have her head on one knee and my notebook on the other. But I don’t get work done. She fidgets, demands water, or insists I write her name all over the page. History will be very intrigued by scans of my original manuscripts, let me tell ya. XD
Since her birthday is next week, I have taken several days off from Day Job and will try to sneak in a page or two while she refuses to be interrupted during Sesame Street. Yes, my kid watches TV. That may be part of why she has such an amazing vocabulary and makes up these wild stories. 0.0 Then again, she may indeed be her mother’s daughter. 😉
On that poor parenting note: Off to writing and perhaps a little sketching. We’ll see.
There is just a point where you give it up. You’re staring at the page, wondering where those last two hours went and why the paper hates you so very much. This occurred last night. Sometimes you really have to just accept the writer’s block and call it a night before you kill someone in frustration.
I’ll admit it, I had a short temper with a certain little girl who refused to sleep in a very reasonable expression of toddler behavior. Blocked creativity can do that to a lady. I’m doing better today but honestly, there are just times where I have to tell my daily word goal to "suck it," and do whatever I can.
For lunch today: Salad with lemon juice and olive oil. You’re gonna get these updates till the snarkiness is out of my system. This could take awhile. 😉
I plan to watch that documentary tonight and reading the promos and looking at books along the same lines and it’s got me thinking: I don’t see much on women who have kids, work full time, and THEN try to cram their creative outlets in any spare few seconds they can find. Not that I’m the type to go scraping at new frontiers or look down on stay at home moms who try and fit their art in around their kids, but working full time with kids AND striving to keep your creative fire is an entirely different kettle of fish.
Who who the hell do I think I am? Ballz out, I want to say, "Whoever the fuck I want, bitchez!" Ahhh, if only life were that simple. First off, I LOVE my job. I don’t want to quit. In fact, the thought of quitting my job to pursue my dream is shooting myself in the foot. Librarianship is PART of my dream. It helps me be who I am as much as writing and drawing so why the heck would I give it up? And d00d, all the books I can get my grubby little hands on for FREE! I’d be stupid to give this up. Second, I don’t DO stay at home mom. I practically went batshit crazy on maternity leave and that was even with the hope of going back to work. You think the Lenni is crazy NOW, she’d be Yellow Wallpaper crazy under the yoke of housewifery. Other women can do it, I can’t. I like having a career. It makes me feel independent and useful.
I get a LOT of questions from other women in my life asking me how I was able to complete a novel, start another one, write a bevy of short stories, keep a full time job, have a side business, draw, and all the while being around the kid enough for her to still remember what I look like. And I have no idea. To try and figure that out (and as a cheap gimmick to pry more blog posts out of me) I’m starting Mommy Monday. The lovely trials and tribulations of how the bloody hell I manage all this with out being on mood elevators or booze.
There are many times in my life where I really just sit and wonder if there are any other women like me who not only have a Third Shift; but a fourth or quite possibly a fifth. If you find any, point them the way here. I’d certainly love to know who they are.