Finally Watched It: Salad Fingers

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I had never heard of this series before but since Film Theory is doing an analysis of it, I actually thought I would check it out. This is yet another thing that I mentioned I’d never seen or heard of that garnered a gasp of shock so, it qualifies for my Finally Watched It series.

This is freaky as hell with some very disturbing imagery. I wouldn’t let my kid see this if I had any control over it, that’s for damn sure. But, call me psycho, I found this to be supremely sad. Perhaps the Film Theory colored my perception of it but I watched the series all in one shot and it was clear to me that our main character up there has either done some really fucked up shit or has been through some really fucked up shit and he just broke. His mind is DONE. Everything in his behavior smacks of DID and PTSD. The second part of that video didn’t come out yet but I really do wonder if he’s a former soldier with severely damaged hands who was possibly a POW.

Yeah, I know. This is a messed up series and there’s something probably messed up in my head for me to jump to sadness and pity for the main character rather than abject horror. Don’t get me wrong, I was disturbed and freaked out but to me, it was so obvious that what I was seeing was inside someone’s head that all I could think of is what terror this poor man suffered to end up like this.

My guess is probably WAY off base, though.

If you are looking for some creepy old animation to watch for Halloween, this series will take up about an hour of your time. I can’t say it’s for everyone so feel free to bail out after the first part if you want. I wouldn’t blame you.

If I remember, I’ll post if I was right or not about my guess.

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Finally Watched It: Electra Woman and Dyna Girl.

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Electra Woman and Dyna Girl are super-heroines with no powers in their home town but are offered the chance to be represented like the more famous superheroes in their world. Since all the super-villains are gone; defeated in The Shadow Wars, heroes are basically famous spokes people. While their newfound fame goes to Electra Woman’s head and drives a rift between the pair, a mysterious new villain appears on the scene.

Ok this movie isn’t terrible. I will admit around the 4 minute mark, I really hoped the internet and pop-culture references would stop (it was WAAAYY to much of the dialog). 10-15 minutes in, I felt like I was watching two close friends talk and making all these inside jokes I know are supposed to be funny but I wasn’t there so I’m not in on the gag.

As far as Grace Helbig and Hannah Hart, they aren’t bad actors, they work ok off of each other as the awkward ditz and snarky inventor. The other heroes are creative and the costumes are cool but there’s something… Flat about this movie. It felt like a checklist was being ticked off behind the scenes. Overall, this is a harmless, quirky, internet movie. Nothing super fantastic but also I wasn’t suffering watching it. Good effort but I sensed some unused potential.

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Why this Pagan is offended by “Exodus” (and to a certain extent, “Noah”)

Please take into account I have not seen either of these movies because I outright refuse to encourage this nonsense by giving away my money.

And I’m sure plenty of people will say “Eh, she’s Pagan. She’s gonna be pissed off at anything biblical.” In that case, fuck off. I don’t have time for superficial bullshit.

Like many Pagans, I was raised Christian and some of the habits are engraved. My child is NOT allowed to blaspheme in my house, I watch The Ten Commandments on Easter Sunday every year without fail, and I have an OCD like reaction to saying (or someone not saying) ‘Bless You’ after a sneeze. It’s how I was raised and I have accepted it as part of who I am and I don’t fight it.

And that is part of the reason I cannot abide these movies.

Yes, I am judging these movies by the trailers. Get over it. And here’s why.

Until I was about 14-15 years old, I was a devout Christian. I’ve read huge chunks of the Bible, I prayed multiple times a day, I wore a cross with the Lord’s Prayer in it (and can STILL recite it from memory) so in my mind, Moses and Noah were miracle stories. Noah built an ark to save his family and the animals of the world. Moses saved a nation of people with the conviction of his faith and God on his side.

And the new movies turn them both in to warriors. And the little Sunday School girl inside me is so pissed off I cannot even properly express it.

But allow me to try.

The miracle of these stories is Noah and Moses didn’t have to fight. Moses showed up with a staff, God turned it into a snake to devour the Pharaoh’s magicians snakes. God brought plague upon plague upon Egypt and (er… We can forget the actual verses say God hardened Pharaoh’s heart on purpose to make these things keep happening, right?) with the regime weakened, Pharaoh releases the Jews. God parts the Red Sea, God sends the pillar of fire to delay Pharaoh’s troops so they can cross it, and God punishes them for their lack of faith when Moses is receiving the tablets, forcing them to wander until the entire generation of doubters was dead.

It was a miracle. A series of miracles. And the damn trailer turns Moses into Leonidas.

I guess this is part of a larger problem I have with the dogma of turning what is supposed to be Biblical pacifists who changed the world with the power of God into ‘You can skip this movie and just watch 300 and The Day After Tomorrow if you wanna watch warriors and a frickkin flood.’

I guess it shouldn’t upset me at all seeing as how this isn’t my belief system anymore. But I had to explain to my kid why my face twisted in disgust and I had to change the channel whenever I saw the trailers on TV. Cinema Sins summed it up in their assessment of Noah:

“Because battle is the only way Hollywood knows how to build tension, let’s shoehorn an evil army into the Noah story. Since a world-covering flood isn’t antagonist enough.”

“Man, Noah is a better fighter than Maximus. I bet if Hollywood made a Biblical epic about Zacchaeus, he’d be a kung-fu fighting expert slash tax collector.”

“-because a story about a man building a giant boat on God’s instructions, then loading a boat with 2 of every animal and his family, and then surviving a worldwide flood isn’t exciting enough material to make a movie out of on it’s own, apparently.”

This is not the Bible I grew up with. We were taught to turn the other cheek, love those who hate us, and revere and trust in the power of God. God brought fire from hail, turned water into blood, covered the entire Earth in water. Noah had a BOAT. Moses had a STAFF. That’s it. It’s as if you made Ghandi into Dhalsim. The message is ruined. If you want to preserve the Bible and spread its message through cinema, you’re gonna have to do better.

Or just grab a sword. Fuck it. Sells movie tickets.

Random Video Thoughts

Thar be cussin so you were warned.

I am fucking obsessed with this game. I am willing to buy a PS4 for this game. Maybe I’ll turn into one of those YouTubers who record themselves playing because I can guarantee my reactions will be comedy gold. I spend most of this trailer in a fetal position hiding behind my hands.

Now all I have to do is calculate how much plasma I need to sell in order to afford the system…

 

Random Video Thoughts

Random book thoughts? Why not random video thoughts? And I am considering a YouTube channel for this sort of nonsense but then people would have to see my face or hear my voice. I’m pretty damn annoying when I put my mind to it. And by put my mind to it, I mean open my mouth and utter a single word.

There’s some pretty good comedy gold on YouTube and I’ve become a fan of CrazyShootin and his utterly hilarious game play commentary/trolling.

Except the Small Horse map.

Its just the most insane map I’ve ever seen (and I haven’t seen all these playlists yet). I’m up to part 6 and my only thoughts are “What is this and why is it happening to my eyes!?”

**His videos feature plenty of cussin, high-pitched squealing, and scary monsters so… You’re warned.