What I learned from my kid’s back to school night

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1: Much like me, schools have no money.

The beginning of the meeting can be summed up like this: “Hi! Welcome to Important Person School. I am J. Q. Principle and can you please buy/donate/sell-so-we-can-have-money all this swag?  For the children?” Not that I don’t want to help children but I think I’m doing great by being employed so I can keep food in my daughter’s belly, clean clothes on her back, and gas in the sitter’s car (gotta pay HER too) so she can get to school in the first place. Not to mention I’m a bit bitter about having to buy SHARED supplies for the classroom. When I was a kid (shakes cane for emphasis) the school paid for glue and markers. That there was some fancy book lernin!

I’m sure we can have the meeting about what my kid is learning every day BEFORE you try to sell me things I don’t need or want.

2: I am a freak.

But I knew this so… Specifically, I got these sidelong looks when other parent’s saw I brought my daughter with me. What was I supposed to do? Make her wait in the car? People always comment on how well my daughter talks and how social she is and that’s because I take her with me EVERYWHERE. We don’t have much choice considering she’s not at the age where I can trust her home alone without drinking Drano or burning the house down. If there’s a meeting where BOTH parents wanna go, expect to see kids there.

3: My kid is fucking with me.

I always worried about how my daughter was behaving in school. Is she hitting other kids? Is she running around like a nut? Is she listening? Is her head spinning around and she’s going full Linda Blair on the teachers? So, given the opportunity, I ask the teachers if she’s being good in school.

Turns out she’s MORE than good. She’s fucking phenomenal. I had another kid’s parents come up to me to thank me because the boy comes home RAVING about how nice my daughter is to him. She’s so helpful in class and “has so much personality” (this was said with a smile so I’m taking that as a good thing) it took everything I had not to turn to her in front of them all and yell “WHY AREN’T YOU THAT GOOD AT HOME!!!

My theory is, she saves up all the evil tantrums for me like a cat saves the most disgusting dead thing to give you as a gift.

And finally…

4: I am a cynical, antisocial bitch.

I barely said two words I didn’t have to while I was there. I was so tired, hungry (because back to school night is of course at dinner time THROUGH bedtime) and rather would have been writing. This is not to say I didn’t like talking to the teacher or hearing about what my kid does all day but I am not like my husband (who is a fucking social butterfly handing out his phone number to all the shiny new people he’s met). I want to get in and get shit done. I would always rather be writing so that’s beside he point. XD

Here’s where I feel like a horrible mother because I’m not all up in the school’s buttcrack about every molecule my kid touches in her school. Is she doing well? Awesome. I don’t feel the need to buddy up to ALL the parents (who glare at me anyway). I feel like one of the Coneheads or something when I’m in a crowd with them. Right there is the cynical part. I expect them to be catty and horrid Stepford Wives trying to steal my brain.

There was also an eye roll I almost had an aneurism trying NOT to do when the co-presidents of the PTA were bragged about taking the time out to be co-presidents of the PTA while having 4 kids and working full time. Well, aren’t you a special snowflake! Between my ONE kid, full time job, writing, and the overtime I scrape together by the skin of my teeth, AND doing an assload of housework, NO, I will NOT be giving time to the PTA. I’m lucky I have time to read a book to my kid and I would rather be doing THAT than talking to them.

I suppose I should be more positive about the whole thing. My daughter’s teacher is really nice and pleased with how she’s performing in class. My husband made some friends and spent some good money on stuff for the school to use on… Whatever they need to use it for. I did not curse anyone out, learned some interesting things about child development, and my daughter gave me the most adorable tour of her classroom ever in life evar. Happiness all around, right? XD

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